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Author Topic: VERY funny story of a taser  (Read 2732 times)
Moose
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« on: May 19, 2005, 09:19:45 PM »

Came across this great story at hondaforeman.com
Had to share it with you all. I'm still laughing as I type.

Reminds me of possibly the funniest story I have ever read.... It is a little long but well worth it...
this is from another forum




Flahunter-

"My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
something akin to "Well, I have out done myself once again." No doubt you
will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near
future. Here goes...


Last weekend I spied something at the pawn shop that tickled my fancy.
(Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought
something really cool for my wife. The occasion was our anniversary
and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser gun with
a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is
a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to
incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage
electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be
short lived with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but
allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the
prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will
render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering,
pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action,
then you're truly missing out--way too cool! Long story short, I
bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the
darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon
reading the directions (I don't need no stinkin' directions), I found
much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch
between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I
learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a
metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and
forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so.
Awesome! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop! Yipeeeeee!
I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain
to her how that burn spot on the face of the microwave oven got there. Okay, so I was
home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all
that bad with only two AAA batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my
recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the
directions (that would be me, not the dog) and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I
thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a second and thought
better of it. She is such a sweet pup, after all. But, if I was going to
give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I
wrong to think that? It seemed reasonable to me at the time. So, there
I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my glasses perched
delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Taser in the other.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant

flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device

(measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and
loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "No
friggin' way!" Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of
myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what
followed. I'm sitting there alone, the dog looking on with her head
cocked to one side as to say, "Don't do it buddy," reasoning that a
one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that
bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you
agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell
of it. Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight -- always 20-20.

It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even
though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya just hate that?) I touched the
prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY*********! DAAAAAAMN!!!

I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up
on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to
be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
oddest position. The dog was standing over me making sounds I had never
heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it
again, do it again!"

NOTE: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Taser, one note
of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then,
if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep into
your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later
(I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I
collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
landscape. My glasses were on the TV across the room. How did they get
there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the
way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering
a reward. Miss 'em; sure would like to get 'em back. Never Touchin' the
Taser Again."
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« Reply #1 on: May 20, 2005, 07:30:39 AM »

LMAO, that is funny what kind of idiot would put a something that shocks you on himself. [smiley=Ermm.gif]
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« Reply #2 on: May 20, 2005, 07:50:53 AM »

that is one of the funniest things i have ever read.
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« Reply #3 on: May 20, 2005, 08:02:19 AM »

OMG that is so funny !

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« Reply #4 on: May 20, 2005, 08:33:57 AM »

haha, I really needed to laugh Smiley Thanks!
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« Reply #5 on: May 20, 2005, 11:03:35 AM »

hey i guess i would have been one of those idiots. i mean c'mon AAA batteries. who gonna man up and admit it. "i can take it" its only a gazillion volts.
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« Reply #6 on: May 20, 2005, 11:20:00 AM »

thats just too much. funny stuff
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« Reply #7 on: May 20, 2005, 11:42:22 AM »

Mine isn't as extreme but it's better (to me) because it's true and I got to see it happen.

I have always been some what of an adreneline junkey. So when I was 21 I went to work as a bailbondsman/ bounty hunter. It was definitely a rush. One night my boss and I were in tampa (Sulfer Springs area) at a bar on the Hillsborough River. We are looking for a relatively nasty guy that has a habbit of being violent toward any law enforcement figures that happen to approach him. To make sure we were prepared we of course carried our guns. After a while of asking around and checking some of the local spots to get high we decided to play some pool and have a couple of drinks while we waited (Frank REALLY liked to drink). After being there a while and having a few too many drinks we decided it was not the night and would probably be better if we didn't find him in our present states. While sitting at the bar Frank starts talking to this girl and asks about the guy we are looking for to see if he still frequents this place. He tells her we are old friends of his and would love to surprise him. He is also hoping that the conversation will continue and end with him having a new companion for the night. Thus he is conceiling the fact that we are bondsmen and armed with the intent of taking this jerk to jail. After a while of them talking and me driking and looking around just in case he shows up (we definitely need to see him befor ehe sees us) I see Frank with his arm around the woman. a few minutes later he tries to move closer and I see him make a weird face. I immediately start looking for the guy we are hunting thinking that Frank has seen him  -not the case. Then I see Frank twitch and make the weird face again. over the next few minutes this gets more noticable to the point he almost jerked right off his bar stool. He lets me know it's time to go and we leave with him limping slightly and me watching with a puzzled look on my face. I asked what was wrong - I thought he want to stay to see if he was going to take the woman home. He told me that he no longer had interest. as we got to the car he showed my why - he had brought his stun gun and the whole time it was shocking him in the ribs. he said that eveytime he moved a little it would go off - thus the weird faces and the twitching. He told me that he finally gave up on the woman figuring that even if he was interested not all of his equipment was in working order after nearly electrocuting himself.
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« Reply #8 on: May 20, 2005, 12:51:50 PM »

HAHA ONE TIME I HAD  one of thoes dog coller things and when it zaps u u cant drop it  Shocked it like gets stuck to you
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« Reply #9 on: May 20, 2005, 01:28:03 PM »

Well done. Thats a great story.
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dreth
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« Reply #10 on: May 20, 2005, 06:15:27 PM »

Quote
Came across this great story at hondaforeman.com
Had to share it with you all. I'm still laughing as I type.

Reminds me of possibly the funniest story I have ever read.... It is a little long but well worth it...
this is from another forum




Flahunter-

"My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
something akin to "Well, I have out done myself once again." No doubt you
will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near
future. Here goes...


Last weekend I spied something at the pawn shop that tickled my fancy.
(Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought
something really cool for my wife. The occasion was our anniversary
and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser gun with
a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is
a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to
incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage
electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be
short lived with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but
allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the
prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will
render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering,
pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action,
then you're truly missing out--way too cool! Long story short, I
bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the
darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon
reading the directions (I don't need no stinkin' directions), I found
much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch
between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I
learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a
metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and
forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so.
Awesome! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop! Yipeeeeee!
I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain
to her how that burn spot on the face of the microwave oven got there. Okay, so I was
home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all
that bad with only two AAA batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my
recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the
directions (that would be me, not the dog) and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I
thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a second and thought
better of it. She is such a sweet pup, after all. But, if I was going to
give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I
wrong to think that? It seemed reasonable to me at the time. So, there
I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my glasses perched
delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Taser in the other.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant

flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device

(measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and
loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "No
friggin' way!" Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of
myself. What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what
followed. I'm sitting there alone, the dog looking on with her head
cocked to one side as to say, "Don't do it buddy," reasoning that a
one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that
bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you
agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell
of it. Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight -- always 20-20.

It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even
though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya just hate that?) I touched the
prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY*********! DAAAAAAMN!!!

I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up
on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to
be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
oddest position. The dog was standing over me making sounds I had never
heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it
again, do it again!"

NOTE: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Taser, one note
of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then,
if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep into
your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later
(I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I
collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
landscape. My glasses were on the TV across the room. How did they get
there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the
way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering
a reward. Miss 'em; sure would like to get 'em back. Never Touchin' the
Taser Again."




i laughed till i cried
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« Reply #11 on: June 07, 2005, 11:27:01 AM »

Who herd Paul and Young Ron's story about this on their talk show on Big 106 in South Florida last week.  It was sooooo funny
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« Reply #12 on: June 09, 2005, 08:59:08 PM »

LOL!!!! LOL!!!!!!  Whew that was funny.  "curiosity killed the cat" LOL!  I bet that thing hurt. Grin Grin Grin
« Last Edit: June 09, 2005, 09:01:19 PM by wheelie_boy » Logged

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« Reply #13 on: June 09, 2005, 09:13:44 PM »

ouch
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« Reply #14 on: June 09, 2005, 10:03:46 PM »

lol that made my day
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« Reply #15 on: June 09, 2005, 11:46:18 PM »

 Grin funny story
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